Ay ay ay, has it officially been a decade since I first let myself be exposed online? It seems like yesterday I made an account here, I wanted to use this platform to show my artwork, from their conceptual study phase to the finished project. I would also use this blog to talk about topics that I find intriguing, as well as the obscure and underappreciated kind. Sadly I feel like I've neglected this blog, as I mostly used it to make top 10 lists and reviews on trivial subject matter. The reason why I haven't made as many posts as I hoped here, is that I've been wrapped in my studies as well as many other projects. I put everything on the back burner for far longer than I expected, that I lost track of what this blog was originally purposed for. So I apologise for the lack of activity for all these years. But as we reach the end of the 2010s, I'm going to be really open with you.
When I started joining sites like these, I wanted to make something of myself. I would use them to share with you ideas and concepts of mine, they seemed like the perfect hub for me to express myself. These places are where I learnt new tricks, where I can grow as an artist. My experience on each one of them has left an impact, as I've come across many talented, aspiring individuals who I can emphasise with. While I would focus on my studies, I have these sites to help give my career a boost. But lately, things have been much harder for me.
You're probably wondering why I've not posted many new pieces here, well the truth of the matter is that I've lost the drive to do any artwork. For the past few years, doing these studies would become stressful for me. No matter how hard I tried to get my work to a high standard, it could never be good enough. Part of this comes from my perfectionism, in that I would spend so much time on a certain aspect that I have to juggle so many of these agendas of mine. It's not like I couldn't understand or handle a brief, I just wanted to do it the way that I can. The thing is that I cannot do things on command, I would rather spend a good portion of my time getting the project done right, otherwise, it would look haphazardly. I've reached the point where I went through a phase where I hit a creative block, I feel like I was scraping my brain for any ideas. I've struggled to make sense of these thoughts that I went into a quandary. Whenever I would put my hands to a keyboard, my mind would go blank. I was also told time and again that my work would not appeal to today's consumers, but I for one always wanted to work in my way. I've never been one to copy any form of zeitgeist, I never wanted to follow trends, but start my own. If there was some trend that interested me, I would want to interpret it my way.
So with this pressure on me to achieve these goals, I needed to take some much-needed recuperation, to reflect on the decisions I made and do some soul searching. Whenever I would do something creative, I just didn't feel the urge to make art at all. I felt that my skills would not be up to standard and that what I do would never look as good as I hoped. I was going through this cycle where I wouldn't feel like working, no matter how much the people told me to get on with it, I would still not be motivated to do so. I don't know if it was something wrong with my brain, that the reason I take long with these projects was a mental issue. Maybe all the pressures of balancing all these assignments started to affect my mental and physical health. I always aimed to do such tasks, even if it was one step at a time. But I feel like no matter what I do, there was always this obstacle getting in the way of achieving it. Like fate was conspiring against me. Whenever I tried to get back into the routine of producing a piece, there were these insecurities, misfortunes and shortcoming that keeps holding me back. I felt like Sisyphus, constantly pushing a heavy boulder up a hill, only for it roll back down again. I also had my mind set on one thing, and it would be fixated in doing that one thing that I couldn't be able to multitask. I was just leaving these goals and ambitions on the back burner, whether its because they were taking longer than I initially planned, or that I didn't have the proper resources. I was hoping that at this point, I would have gone somewhere, but I would be swamped at some point. I could hardly recognise myself, what I used to love doing had became arduous and tedious. I felt like I was a disappointment to the people who had faith in me (even my own family), but the person who I disappointed the most was my self.
I want people to understand that I have limits to my ability. I feel that all my anxiety and this strive for perfectionism comes from my Aspergers Syndrome. Just to clarify, I'm not blaming my condition for my mistakes. At least I acknowledge my failures and struggles, I try to learn from them, I don't use it as an excuse for not accomplishing anything. If anything I want to prove that people who are on the spectrum are capable of accomplishing amazing feats in the field, no matter what occupation they choose. I don't want people to judge me on my condition, rather than the contents of my character. I've never talked about this with other people, but there have been times in my life where I have been depressed, where my anxiety would get the better of me. Despite my quiet facade, behind the artwork, there was a deep sadness that I tried to overcome. I've always used these sites and projects to help me overcome this woe, in some cases, I use it to come to terms with it. I've used the arts as this outlet for my emotions and to let out these frustrations. I don't want to suppress these feelings of mine, so I've tried to channel them healthily. I live for the arts and storytelling and expressing myself through these means was a coping mechanism.
But I feel the hardest obstacle I've had to deal with, is society. I've always found it hard to make friends with new people, it's not that I'm socially inept, but sometimes I feel like nobody wants anything to do with me. Whenever I try to open up to other lightminded individuals, they tend to ignore me. It leads me to believe that I give a presence that turns people off, whether it's because I gave an opinion they disagree with, or that they don't understand a thing I say. Even online, no matter how much I pour my soul into giving my thoughts and passion into something, I seldom ever get any attention for it. I feel that when I discuss more popular topics, then it gets people's intrigue. Even then, I only get so much as a simple comment. I was hoping for feedback on my artwork and writing, advice even. I'm not asking for a deep discussion or detailed critique, but I would appreciate it if someone could give a penny for my thoughts. I feel like the fool on the hill; I can handle the lack of feedback, I can even handle rejection. But sometimes it really gets to me when I have something important to give, yet others don't want to pay attention. Like I don't even exist to them. It would be nice to have a taste of some publicity, even the worse kind is better than none. This is the reason why I prefer to be alone with my thoughts because I don't want people to be recognised for any negative things I may have done. Even if I did go somewhere with my life, I would appreciate it if someone first knew me for my Cramp Twins fanart or something like that. It's why I kept myself anonymous from the public because I had this stigma that I wanted to be known for my achievement than how I look like.
Now that we come to the end of the decade, I hope we can make 2020 our year to shine. I've come to accept that this will not be the end, but the start of a new chapter. We'll never see another year like it ever again, so please make the most of it. Because I can remember the 2000s ended with such a dark, dark year, that we were hoping that 2010 would be the light at the end of the tunnel. Throughout this decade, I've tried to make each moment from it as special as the last. We've gone through highs and lows, but I'm definitely grateful for the highs that we got. I achieved a lot during these past 10 years, and I couldn't be more grateful for the experience I've gained. I'm not sure what the future will hold for me or anyone else but if there's one thing I'll say, it's carpe diem. For you see, my resolution for the decade to seize every moment of every day. Take on every opportunity that comes my way without any hesitation. I want to take on similar achievements I've made for the past 10 years and amp them up 10 fold. No matter what obstacle stands in my way, I'll find a solution to make it though. For better or for worse, we can start the decade the best we can, to make it a year to remember. I can ensure you that I have big plans for the year. I've learnt not to give up on hope, I don't want to forget about my dreams or ambitions. I spent all this time trying to perfect my craft, I feel like now is the time to put it to use.
When I started joining sites like these, I wanted to make something of myself. I would use them to share with you ideas and concepts of mine, they seemed like the perfect hub for me to express myself. These places are where I learnt new tricks, where I can grow as an artist. My experience on each one of them has left an impact, as I've come across many talented, aspiring individuals who I can emphasise with. While I would focus on my studies, I have these sites to help give my career a boost. But lately, things have been much harder for me.
You're probably wondering why I've not posted many new pieces here, well the truth of the matter is that I've lost the drive to do any artwork. For the past few years, doing these studies would become stressful for me. No matter how hard I tried to get my work to a high standard, it could never be good enough. Part of this comes from my perfectionism, in that I would spend so much time on a certain aspect that I have to juggle so many of these agendas of mine. It's not like I couldn't understand or handle a brief, I just wanted to do it the way that I can. The thing is that I cannot do things on command, I would rather spend a good portion of my time getting the project done right, otherwise, it would look haphazardly. I've reached the point where I went through a phase where I hit a creative block, I feel like I was scraping my brain for any ideas. I've struggled to make sense of these thoughts that I went into a quandary. Whenever I would put my hands to a keyboard, my mind would go blank. I was also told time and again that my work would not appeal to today's consumers, but I for one always wanted to work in my way. I've never been one to copy any form of zeitgeist, I never wanted to follow trends, but start my own. If there was some trend that interested me, I would want to interpret it my way.
So with this pressure on me to achieve these goals, I needed to take some much-needed recuperation, to reflect on the decisions I made and do some soul searching. Whenever I would do something creative, I just didn't feel the urge to make art at all. I felt that my skills would not be up to standard and that what I do would never look as good as I hoped. I was going through this cycle where I wouldn't feel like working, no matter how much the people told me to get on with it, I would still not be motivated to do so. I don't know if it was something wrong with my brain, that the reason I take long with these projects was a mental issue. Maybe all the pressures of balancing all these assignments started to affect my mental and physical health. I always aimed to do such tasks, even if it was one step at a time. But I feel like no matter what I do, there was always this obstacle getting in the way of achieving it. Like fate was conspiring against me. Whenever I tried to get back into the routine of producing a piece, there were these insecurities, misfortunes and shortcoming that keeps holding me back. I felt like Sisyphus, constantly pushing a heavy boulder up a hill, only for it roll back down again. I also had my mind set on one thing, and it would be fixated in doing that one thing that I couldn't be able to multitask. I was just leaving these goals and ambitions on the back burner, whether its because they were taking longer than I initially planned, or that I didn't have the proper resources. I was hoping that at this point, I would have gone somewhere, but I would be swamped at some point. I could hardly recognise myself, what I used to love doing had became arduous and tedious. I felt like I was a disappointment to the people who had faith in me (even my own family), but the person who I disappointed the most was my self.
I want people to understand that I have limits to my ability. I feel that all my anxiety and this strive for perfectionism comes from my Aspergers Syndrome. Just to clarify, I'm not blaming my condition for my mistakes. At least I acknowledge my failures and struggles, I try to learn from them, I don't use it as an excuse for not accomplishing anything. If anything I want to prove that people who are on the spectrum are capable of accomplishing amazing feats in the field, no matter what occupation they choose. I don't want people to judge me on my condition, rather than the contents of my character. I've never talked about this with other people, but there have been times in my life where I have been depressed, where my anxiety would get the better of me. Despite my quiet facade, behind the artwork, there was a deep sadness that I tried to overcome. I've always used these sites and projects to help me overcome this woe, in some cases, I use it to come to terms with it. I've used the arts as this outlet for my emotions and to let out these frustrations. I don't want to suppress these feelings of mine, so I've tried to channel them healthily. I live for the arts and storytelling and expressing myself through these means was a coping mechanism.
But I feel the hardest obstacle I've had to deal with, is society. I've always found it hard to make friends with new people, it's not that I'm socially inept, but sometimes I feel like nobody wants anything to do with me. Whenever I try to open up to other lightminded individuals, they tend to ignore me. It leads me to believe that I give a presence that turns people off, whether it's because I gave an opinion they disagree with, or that they don't understand a thing I say. Even online, no matter how much I pour my soul into giving my thoughts and passion into something, I seldom ever get any attention for it. I feel that when I discuss more popular topics, then it gets people's intrigue. Even then, I only get so much as a simple comment. I was hoping for feedback on my artwork and writing, advice even. I'm not asking for a deep discussion or detailed critique, but I would appreciate it if someone could give a penny for my thoughts. I feel like the fool on the hill; I can handle the lack of feedback, I can even handle rejection. But sometimes it really gets to me when I have something important to give, yet others don't want to pay attention. Like I don't even exist to them. It would be nice to have a taste of some publicity, even the worse kind is better than none. This is the reason why I prefer to be alone with my thoughts because I don't want people to be recognised for any negative things I may have done. Even if I did go somewhere with my life, I would appreciate it if someone first knew me for my Cramp Twins fanart or something like that. It's why I kept myself anonymous from the public because I had this stigma that I wanted to be known for my achievement than how I look like.
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